Bioengineered Math

Alex came home with some math homework. It was multiplication. It didn't look like multiplication. It didn't act like multiplication. It wasn't any multiplication Mrs. Stewart taught us in third grade, in 1971. And that's because IT ISN'T REALLY MULTIPLICATION!!!

Math in the United States has gone the way of agriculture in the United States. It's all bioengineered. The soymilk in your fridge is made of genes from petroleum, insects, pigs and strontium-90. So you're really getting the four basic food groups in one glass of milk. But do you really want all that for breakfast?

Everyday Math is also bioengineered to "look" like math but really it's not math at all. It's a genetic combination of (and this is no slight on Muslims)the Koran, the Sunday crossword puzzle, a bad dream and mercury poisoning. The Koran and the Sunday crossword are perfectly fine on their own. But cross pollinating them with other plants or combining them with other compounds is unwise. The results are not safe for children and yet we're exposing our children to bioengineered math every day at public schools across America.

For example,
this is how our children are taught to multiply:
56
x30
_____
1500
+180
_____
1680

"Did you follow that? No? What was that? You're wondering why it went left to right up there on the first step? That's what happens when you combine two perfectly fine compounds on their own such as the Koran (religious text read right to left as math should be computed) and mercury (preservative that, if inahled or ingested, screws up your brain!). The problem is, once you combine the 'Koran gene' with a mercury isotope the ionic polarity gets reversed and from there everything goes haywire."

"What about the part where you move the 15, in 3 x 5 = 15, over to the thousands column with two zeros after it?"

"That's the 'Sunday crossword gene'. You trying to run the other way when you attempt to make sense of it is the effects of 'bad dream gene'."

When you put them all together, it's all packaged and sold as textbooks under the label Everyday Math. It's all in the packaging. Call it math and people will really believe that it's math.

The sad thing is, today's children have no idea that they are being fed bioengineered math instead of heirloom math, nor do their parents fully understand the long-term effects, which will probably show up in the balancing of their childrens' checkbooks when they're in college, and in the economy of our country once it takes its final nosedive when these children go into the workforce.

Have the professors at the University of Chicago who invented Everyday Math taken their heads out of their butts long enough to look at our economy to see where the goods and services are coming from? China! Japan! Korea! You nitwits!! WHERE THEY TEACH NORMAL MATH!!! So if we plan on ever surpassing foreign productivity, and regaining what we've already lost, why don't you brilliant professors design a math program that only includes proper math in its natural state so we can build our own cars and televisions and computers and socks and Nike's and everything else we're buying at Wal-Mart that does not say MADE (AND MULTIPLIED) IN THE USA!