Will you still pretend we're friends after all that's left of your lollipop is a soggy paper stick?

Valentine's Day came and went. But the Sugar is still in my house!

My fourth grader's class didn't go too insane this year, thanks to the kids with the allergies, but what is up with those clueless kindergarten parents? Skye came out of his bedroom this morning with heart shaped Red Dye #40 on a stick and the words "be mine" on it. Be mine till death from all this sugar before breakfast due us part. In pancreatic sickness and in health. Will you still want him to be yours in second grade with no teeth?

I took the deathpop (my friend Barbara thinks I'm being a drama queen when I use that word) out of his hand and put it on a plate on the top shelf of the cabinet, with plans to throw it away when he's not in the room. Mommy Dearest made him eat a bowl of processed Cheerios instead, as if they're so much healthier. When Skye was finished he went into his room, only to emerge asking for help to open a bagful of candy. An entire BAG FULL of candy from just one classmate!!?? I checked the card attached to the twist tie. Figures. An unpopular kid. They always do that.

This bag should have been the total sum of candy he'd scored from the entire holiday. But no. Justin (not his real name), gave Skye a bag with a three musketeers, a tootsie roll and 28 sugar and dye hearts, that, if left unattended, Skye would devour in one sitting. Justin, don't your parents know that? Don't they know that he is going to eat them one after the other until they're gone? And then want more? Sneak behind me while I'm writing on my blog, tiptoe into his room, quietly climb onto the top shelf of his desk where I hid his candy, precariously balance one foot on the back of his chair and one foot on the edge of his desk while pulling on the bookshelf that's not securely fastened to anything, to score some more of this addictive contraband!!??

Of course they do! Valentine's Day is the day the unpopular children win favor with their peers using candy. The more candy, the more friends! Doesn't matter if they kill themselves getting to the candy, as long as they go to their grave with Justin's name on their sugarcoated lips. The kids whose parents want them to climb the ladder of social success five rungs at a time wait patiently for February. It's Valentine's Day or bust for their little DNA wannabes.

Judging by the children's RED DYE #40, YELLOW DYE #5 and BLUE DYE #1 lips and tongues and teeth and gums and plaque, when I walked into the Valentine's Day party on Tuesday, a lot of friendships were forged.